Straight Edge Apocalypse Hardcore Murder

by C.H.U.D.

subscriber exclusive
1.
515 CREW THEME Saw some guy who was talking shit I pulled my gun, he pulled his Exchanging rounds, the chase was on I dodged his shots, he dodged mine Didn’t mean it (she got shot) Didn’t mean it (she was hot) Tried to shoot him (but I missed) Tried to shoot him (she got hit) When the smoke cleared (he was gone) When the smoke cleared (she was down) Some guy saw me (and her corpse) Some guy saw me (had to kill him of course) Oh shit! That’s how we’re living in the 515 A struggle every day to stay alive So next time you want to step Remember 515 deserves its fucking rep
2.
BERT I. GORDON THEME SONG The Bert I. Gordon Theme Song!
3.
I LOVE HARDCORE (PORN) Friday night, home alone Grab some lube, hit the phone I love phone sex all the time Hot young sluts, say they’re mine Milk, milk, lemonade In the back the fudge is made I love hardcore, I love hardcore, I love hardcore….Porn Hit the store for chips and lube No whores out, porn will do Two guys one girl, pretty gay I like porn the catholic way Up and down I stroke my rod Jesus fuck, I blew my wad
4.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH CROCKET AND TUBBS I fell in Love with Crocket and Tubbs!
5.
JOEY LAWRENCE THEME SONG Been no contact, still no call Are you true or just full of shit I can’t believe, the words that you say anymore Said them once before now you say them again With nothing on your part I offer you may hand another time I should have turned away I don’t want to think that way I try not to think that way Two things, I listen to inside myself Whoa!
6.
01:17
KARL'S THEME Milwaukee’s Best? My ass! Miller’s Ice is a piece of trash Fuck you, you piece of shit Drink Miller Ice and you’re gonna get hit (insert random name)? No way! Miller Ice is only for gays Miller Ice, it’s not nice It’s for cokehead parasites Drink Miller Ice you’re taking a chance Drink too much you’ll shit your pants
7.
SUBURBAN MADMAN Society’s in decay Generic people In the halls Gotta break out these walls Pain of reality I wanna break away You thought you knew me I want to kill today Cookie cutter houses and no trees Is this what you believe? Psycho in the neighborhood At the neighbors barbeque Watch out He’s gonna come for you Quiet guy from next door He’s got bodies buried under his floor He’s the result Of years of abuse To society He’s no use
8.
WE'RE SO FUCKING STRAIGHT EDGE I’m so fucking straight edge You’re so fucking straight edge We’re so fucking straight edge So fuck you, bitch Sitting on the corner Chugging a brew Watch out punk we’re coming for you Sitting in your room Puffing the boom Prepare for your fucking doom I’m so fucking straight edge You’re so fucking straight edge We’re so fucking straight edge So fuck you, bitch
9.
01:16
THE CODE Know who you are, stay in your place Don’t want to see your ugly bitch ass face Go back to school, you stupid fucking jobber We don’t need your fucking kind You broke the code The code that says to help your friends
10.
01:28
UNITY We get shit every day From people who’ve got nothing to say People so ignorant They don’t know what’s going on today They don’t care about themselves They don’t care about the future They’re just caught up in their own conformist structure That’s why we need unity Do your own thing that’s what it oughta be Not to commit conformity We don’t care what you look like All that matters is your mind The music, and the message To anyone that will listen I’ve learned from past experiences And I say, let’s begin
11.
WARRIORS OF SATAN Here we are joined tonight, about to make a sacrifice Kicking Jesus in the nuts, while we hang out with the antichrist The weak , they run when we’re in sight There’s a little kid fight Lots of blood, and lots of sluts Kicking preggies in their guts We are the strong, the mighty, the brave We are Satan’s warriors Show no mercy, we kick a lot of ass We are Satan’s warriors We have mammoth sized love pumps so get on the floor Total posterior destruction, is what you’re in for Warriors of Satan can’t be stopped If you think otherwise we’ll force feed you our cocks That’s right motherfuckas You think you’re hardcore cause you’re from the streets? We’re straight out of hell bitch! You wanna step to this? We’ll damnate you and your whole crew Show no mercy, show no fear Back the fuck up son Cause Satan is here The black Sabbath now has passed Let’s go smoke some motherfucking grass
12.
WRESTLE METAL Been there for me since I was a kid Before I found wrestling don’t know what I did I remember Frankie and Koko B. Ware, His big drop kicks and bad ass hair But how long will he last, when DiBiasse’s on the attack Danny Davis is the ref, and Virgil is up to no good Honky Tonk Man was full of hot air The Dungeon of Doom they gave me a scare Kamala was the raddest dude And don’t forget my man Rick Rude But as I get older, it’ s just not the same The Rock? Stone Cold? That shit’s lame
13.
ANYTHING SLIM (ZAP!) Call my boyfriend on the phone To my dismay no one’s home Bible thumpers, go away Sodomy’s the only way We don’t care what the fuck you say Cause in our heart we’ll always be gay We’re gay! Zap!
14.
THE CODE Know who you are, stay in your place Don’t want to see your ugly bitch ass face Go back to school, you stupid fucking jobber We don’t need your fucking kind You broke the code The code that says to help your friends
15.
WARRIORS OF SATAN Here we are joined tonight, about to make a sacrifice Kicking Jesus in the nuts, while we hang out with the antichrist The weak , they run when we’re in sight There’s a little kid fight Lots of blood, and lots of sluts Kicking preggies in their guts We are the strong, the mighty, the brave We are Satan’s warriors Show no mercy, we kick a lot of ass We are Satan’s warriors We have mammoth sized love pumps so get on the floor Total posterior destruction, is what you’re in for Warriors of Satan can’t be stopped If you think otherwise we’ll force feed you our cocks That’s right motherfuckas You think you’re hardcore cause you’re from the streets? We’re straight out of hell bitch! You wanna step to this? We’ll damnate you and your whole crew Show no mercy, show no fear Back the fuck up son Cause Satan is here The black Sabbath now has passed Let’s go smoke some motherfucking grass
16.
01:21
UNITY We get shit every day From people who’ve got nothing to say People so ignorant They don’t know what’s going on today They don’t care about themselves They don’t care about the future They’re just caught up in their own conformist structure That’s why we need unity Do your own thing that’s what it oughta be Not to commit conformity We don’t care what you look like All that matters is your mind The music, and the message To anyone that will listen I’ve learned from past experiences And I say, let’s begin
17.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH CROCKET AND TUBBS I fell in Love with Crocket and Tubbs!
18.
SUBURBAN MADMAN Society’s in decay Generic people In the halls Gotta break out these walls Pain of reality I wanna break away You thought you knew me I want to kill today Cookie cutter houses and no trees Is this what you believe? Psycho in the neighborhood At the neighbors barbeque Watch out He’s gonna come for you Quiet guy from next door He’s got bodies buried under his floor He’s the result Of years of abuse To society He’s no use
19.
UNTITLED Left here with this shattered body But I won’t turn my back Now what should I do? Tired, alone, clinging to my ideals But I still stand! How long will it last? I will never turn my back! I’ve made up my mind And this is a lifetime commitment Memories that once brought joy Now bring me only tears Drugs stole my friends Stole my friends, stole my friends! Bring them back! Left here with this shattered body But I won’t turn my back Tired, alone, jaded, barely alive But I still stand!
20.
BERG GOT DRUNK IN IOWA CITY Berg got drunk in Iowa City!

about

GK#306 c&p 2012 karaoke/chud

credits

released November 16, 2012

GRINDCORE CINEMA presents
a MORTVILLE NOISE production
"Straight Edge Apocalypse Hardcore Murder"

C.H.U.D. started out as a bunch of 14 year old losers from the Iowa suburbs playing Misfits and Dead Kennedys covers in a basement. The original songs were a mix of teenage punk angst and mimicking our influences.  We wrote songs about isolation, paranoia and anger, but we also wrote about horror movies like the Misfits, recently murdered musicians like the Meatmen, and unity, like every punk band ever.  It was a pretty standard arrangement, but it stood out at the time because we were the youngest band doing anything like this around there and as a result we were the first exposure a lot of kids there ever had to a punk band. Part of that was fueled by a ridiculous “public interest” piece written about us in the local paper.  The headline proclaimed: “It’s Angry, Loud, and Theirs: C.H.U.D., a punk band, unites self-confessed misfits”.  Only in fucking Iowa is this news. Despite the glowing press, the original iteration of C.H.U.D. flamed out after about a year shortly after the other guys kicked me out because I couldn’t sing.  Eventually, all of the members except myself re-connected in a grind/crust band called Black Market Fetus.

About two years after C.H.U.D. had ceased to exist. Someone came up with the idea to do a mock reunion show, the joke being that we were some huge band coming out of retirement to meet the non-existent demand of our non-existent fans.  Since everyone else was already playing in Black Market Fetus, all we had to do was pass the mic between singers at one of their shows and bam, C.H.U.D. had a reunion.  We all had fun, so we just let it roll and started piggybacking onto other Fetus gigs.  None of us had intentions of doing anything meaningful, it was just an excuse to goof off and to get to play around with songs that didn’t fit in with everyone’s other bands.  For me, it was my chance to live my dream of being a bad guy wrestler and to poke fun at how seriously the bands and kids in the scene took themselves.  Riffing on the Victory Records and New York Hardcore crowd, I convinced the other guys that we should pretend to be militant straight edge gangstas, and to start a feud with Black Market Fetus.  Because we almost never practiced or wrote new songs and played to the same crowds all the time, things kept getting sillier in an effort to keep it fun and fresh.  We started with dorky costumes, staged fights, and, my personal favorite, building a robot costume out of cardboard and HVAC components and convincing friends to wear it and be our mascot. We called it CHUDBOT and it was later immortalized in a tribute song by Bodies Lay Broken. Of course, anyone dumb enough to put on a bulky robot costume that you could barely see out of at a hardcore show inevitably got the shit knocked out of them by the audience.  

Though we rarely wrote songs, when we did they were every bit as intentionally dumb as the shows we put on.  The effect was amplified because we played these intentionally stupid songs back to back with the songs we wrote when we were 15, which were unintentionally stupid in their sincerity. Of the 13 songs we could consistently remember, all of which are included here, 5 of them were holdovers from our first run, although one of them we had completely forgotten the words to.  Wrestle Metal was originally Untitled on our demo, and I would make up the lyrics on the spot every time we played it.  When it came time to record for the 7” I knew I couldn’t get by with slurring non-words like I did live, so I wrote some stupid ode to 80’s wrestling.

We stuck around in spite of a complete lack of either a desire on our part to “do something” or interest in the local scene to see or hear us.  We played together for roughly six years, and for the first five there were maybe two people who were into it. One of those people was Nate Fetus, and since he was one of the main bookers in the area back then we kept getting on shows and playing to these confused, uninterested punkers who took themselves way too seriously.  Thanks to being shoehorned onto bills with good bands, we met our other early fan, Cap’n Andy. Andy offered to record us for free, which led to two sessions for a demo and proposed 7”, but by the time we got our shit together to release it we had all drifted away and eventually it just ended by default.  10 years later, when Andy asked me about releasing this online I was glad that it might actually get heard.   Playing in C.H.U.D. was some of the most fun I’ve ever had, and even though it was ridiculously stupid, I’m proud of it. The antics that made the shows fun didn’t translate in a studio, and I wasn’t able to hide my shitty vocals in the studio like I could in the chaos of a show, but even before we became a complete parody Andy and Nate saw something, so maybe somebody else out there will too. 

Straight Edge Apocalypse Hardcore Murder Forever,
Xach


Tracks 1-13 were recorded March 28, 2002 for a 7" that was never released. Tracks 14-20 were recorded during the winter of 2000 and were released as xCHUDx "The Motherfucking Demo". All songs recorded on a Fostex XR-7 Multitracker by Andy Koettel.

Zach Hoyt - Voxxx
Nick Smetlzer - XguitarX
Andrew Smeltzer - XbassX
Robert Sanda - XdrumsX

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